March 2, 2018
I’m working on a new habit of opening my computer to continue my writing.
I’m working on a new habit of being OK
even when I’m in what I sense to be an uncomfortable situation.
With bells ringing, trucks beeping, people talking,
fans whirring, engines, motors, beings,
all conceivably in motion all at once all around me.
It is notable, however, that understanding of my experience is self-centered.
It is not too surprising, and I am not alone in this way of understanding my experience.
Of course I understand my experience from my own lens,
from my own person, from my own self.
It is in this sense that I am centered on self.
For being centered on self, I come to understand myself, my voice, my story.
However, one way to de-center from this lens is to notice what is, and to not take it in as my own.
The noises from the parking lot are not a part of me.
I can sense them.
I perceive of them.
I am aware of them.
But they are not me.
The story that I create about these sensations,
perceptions, and my awareness of them,
is something that I create myself.
Yet the story is not me.
It is a story.
With training, I can choose to separate myself from the experience of is-ness, of being right now, right here, breathing, typing, and my experience of sensations that are uncomfortable.
I do not believe that I am alone in being uncomfortable in noisy situations. I believe this discomfort has been created as a form of habitual patterning that has evolved from my experiences.
Being aware of this habitual patterning (loud noise, discomfort, distraction, frustration, discontent, ungrounded, anxiety, urge to flee from the situation… loud noise, discomfort, distraction, frustration, discontent, ungrounded, anxiety, urge to flee from the situation…) is a starting point.
It is from this awareness that I can work toward creating more productive patterns that spring from my intention to be at peace. To be at peace with myself in the world. With my decisions. With my being. With my work. With who I am.
I’m working on being ok in the stillness of my own typing.
Resting in the consciousness of my mind that I am sitting at my computer, I am typing.
To have clear train of thought I sometimes create an expectation that I need to be in silence, in isolation, or otherwise be uninterrupted.
The fact of the matter is that I do not live in a world of uninterrupted spaces, places, and experiences.
My experience of the world is largely interrupted all of the time.
The question then becomes – how do I form new habits that take me into the peaceful state of writing – of being – of meditation on thought – of getting the ideas down on the page – rather than existing outside of myself in a noisy and busy world?
This is the practice.